Evil Pantry Demons Got Me a Boyfriend
by sugarquillscribbles
Summary: Roxas is a young college student, living on his own for the first time. Something fierce and hairy has taken up residence in his kitchen, and armed with nothing but a frying pan and his wavering courage, he endeavors to chase it out. His way-friendly neighbor with the crazy hair might offer assistance, too. Oneshot, mild Akuroku going on here. Rated T for panicked swearing.
1. Chapter 1

There was a terrifying scuffling noise coming from the back of Roxas's pantry. Armed with nothing but an old cast iron skillet, a cell phone, and his own trembling hands, Roxas swallowed nervously. A list of possible explanations as to what could be making the sound raced through his head, each possibility getting wilder as the noise grew louder and his anxiety stronger.

This was just his luck. His first few weeks living alone, and he faced a family of rats-or an enraged possum, or something. Roxas let out a shaky sigh and had a powerful urge to call his mother. After a small mental pep talk and a brief episode where he gnawed his lip like a crazed beaver, he suppressed it. He was an adult now. He could do this without his mama's help. (Sure, his mama raised two rowdy boys and could probably lift a fridge and rope cattle with one hand if she wanted, but whatever.)

A surge of stubbornness coursed through him, almost making him forget his fear of whatever lurked behind his boxes of minute rice. He was a man. Sure, a man struggling through community college and currently trembling a little out of a fear of rabid animals, but he was a man nonetheless. He would overcome this challenge, and then go grill. Or something. It would be awesome.

Just as he almost felt brave enough to fling open the cupboard and confront the scuffling beast, an ear-piercing sound like a cross between a tea kettle about to explode and Satan shrieking in misery emanated from the cabinet. Letting out a scream that completely doused his earlier feelings of unconquerable manliness, Roxas scrambled back hurriedly, holding up his frying pan like a shield against chaos.

"The holy balls was that?!" he cried aloud hoarsely. An answering growl, low and guttural, came from the beast's lair. "Oh my _Goood,_" Roxas half-groaned, half-whimpered. "My house is inhabited by-by fucking demon gerbils-" Throwing away his brief pride like a flimsy one-use poncho, his fingers raced across the surface of his phone to trace his mother's number. He was about to jab the call button like his life depended on it-and in his panicked state, he was sure that it did-but another thump caused him to pause.

It hadn't come from the cupboard. Another thump, then another...no, someone was knocking on his back door, which connected to the kitchen. He hastily remembered that he'd left the door propped open and the entrance to his tiny dining room barricaded off in hopes of corralling the mystery beast outdoors. A guy around his age poked his head into the kitchen, knuckles still out from when he'd rapped the side of the open door. Roxas recognized him, mainly because of the hair. Wild, gravity-defying, and sticking out everywhere like the quills on an offended porcupine, The Hair brushed the side of Roxas's kitten-patterned calendar.

"Hello neighbor!" said the guy attached to The Hair cheerfully. He was always saying that: whenever he saw Roxas leaving in the morning, coming home at night, or going outside to put his clothes on the line. "_Hello neighbor_"? Who said that anymore? Who did this redhead think he was, Mr. Rogers? Roxas couldn't judge him too hard, though. Maybe the guy was lonely. Roxas could get that, he guessed. There weren't really any other people their age in the neighborhood; in fact, Roxas's little brother had laughingly said that he lived in an "old people suburb". Roxas himself was a bit of a loner, but he couldn't blame the other guy for not being one and saying hi. Even if his way of saying hi was outdated and bordering on corny.

"H-hi," Roxas managed to get out, still awkwardly holding the skillet in one hand and his phone in the other. His skillet arm wobbled; it was getting heavy. With an expression that was both amused and polite, the guy looked him over. "You okay over here? I was just out in my yard and heard..." the guy trailed off, and Roxas was thankful his sentence hadn't ended with _your girly screams of distress_. "Uh, yeah, sorry... There's, like, something huge in my pantry." Roxas squeaked.

It struck him, then, how ridiculous he must have looked. Thankfully, his neighbor didn't burst into laughter at the pathetic sight of him. Behind him, the monster in the pantry scuffled even louder, as if to back him up and make him seem less crazy. _Thanks, demon gerbil, _Roxas thought. "Sounds pretty nasty." the guy said. "Mind if I take a peek in there?" he nodded at the pantry, making his hair bounce even more. "Be my guest, man. Wrestle it into submission if you can." Roxas laughed weakly, setting down the skillet and moving out of the way.

Roxas expected the guy to maybe pick up the frying pan, or grab the bucket and pan lid he'd set aside to grab and scoop said evil creature and fling it spiritedly out the door with his lean arms. He did _not _expect his neighbor to swing open the cabinet door in one quick move and plunge his arm in up to the shoulder. "Ah!" Roxas gasped, instinctively reaching for the nearest weapon. "Man, you should really-God only knows what-you're crazy-" he spluttered, brandishing the pastry brush he'd accidentally grabbed off the counter.

But his daring neighbor had turned back to face him, cradling something fat and extremely furry to his chest. "Niffler!" Crazy Hair Guy said happily, smooshing his face into the creature's body. "What?" Roxas near-shouted. "What...what the hell is that?" "My guinea pig! He got out of his pen in the yard yesterday and must've crawled in here somehow. Gee, bud, I was worried." he beamed down at the rodent, giving it a pat on the head. "You're...you're sure...that thing was the demonic presence in my pantry?" Roxas said slowly.

At that, a laugh _did _come from his neighbor-sudden and uncontrolled and ridiculous, making his pet bounce against his chest. "I'm sure," he said, grinning, obviously trying to compose himself. "Good frigging grief." Roxas sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I thought it was, like, an evil zombie possum or something." Only when hungry," his neighbor replied cheekily. "Much like his owner." Roxas smiled, truly relaxing since he had first heard the noises from his kitchen. "Thanks. I mean it, uh...I don't believe I know your name," Roxas admitted, feeling slightly guilty. Here was this nice, cheerful guy willing to check up on him, and he didn't even remember his name.

The guy _had _introduced himself at one point, right? Roxas couldn't remember. He was often frazzled these days. The guy didn't seem offended, however. The easy smile remained on his face, a remnant of his amusement at Roxas's panic. "It's Axel." his neighbor said. "Ah!" Roxas snapped his fingers. "Now I remember. Sorry...I've been stretched in three different directions lately and-" "-and my demon gerbil disrupted your memory?" Axel suggested. His eyes glittered with harmless teasing. "Y-yeah." Roxas grinned tentatively.

"No worries, Roxas." Axel shrugged, calling him by his name for the first time. Roxas was a little surprised that he knew it. "I'll take Niffler back home. He looks tired from his adventure in frightening cute boys." The sentence was so nonchalant that Roxas almost didn't catch the compliment. He felt a surge of heat rush up to his face and neck, and was horrified to realize that he was blushing. Fiercely.

"Oh, well, it wasn't that big of a deal, I mean, yeah I was freaked out at first but then like it wasn't even scary, I mean in was nothing serious in there. Really." Roxas blathered on, hoping he didn't sound like a lunatic. Axel's expression went back to one of contained amusement. "Yeah, of course, no big deal. I feel ya. Wanna hold him?" he extended his grumpy rodent fuzzball for Roxas. "_NO!_" Roxas squawked, flying backward. As Axel left, Roxas could still hear his guffaws echoing out the open window.

What a neighbor he had befriended.


	2. Your Apron is Ridiculous

_Hello, hello, hello! SQS here again bringing you a sequel to Evil Pantry Demons. I got the idea for this a while back and tried to upload it in time for Christmas, but alas, that didn't happen. It's here now, though, and I hope you like it! Warning: slight smut. Kissing. And stuff. Wink wink. Enjoy!_

_Sweetly,_

_Sugarquillscribbles_

* * *

><p><em>Dedicated to my guinea pigs past and present: Oscar, Panini, and Penny. <em>

The little bastard was staring at him. Roxas swore that it was. Feigning innocence inside a little semi-translucent plastic structure that Axel called a "pigloo", Roxas could see that Niffler had one beady eye focused on his tense form. The demon _knew _his scent, smelled his fear. He tried not to look over, but he still had a phobia of small, panicky animals. Namely, rodents that had once camped out under his sink and made him freak out like a little girl about to piss herself.

He couldn't believe that he'd met his current boyfriend in such an embarrassing situation. But funnily enough, Axel had told him on their first date (pizza on Roxas' front porch two days after The Guinea Pig Incident) that it was "super cute" and "I totally wasn't laughing at you, man, honest". Yeah, that last part was bull, but being called super cute had made him blush.

It had been nearly three months since then. They had gone out every Saturday since their laidback first date, and every little outing left Roxas beaming and doing this stupid little happy-wiggle in the front room of his house whenever he and Axel had parted ways. He really liked this guy. He was so not as cool as he looked, which immediately helped Roxas relax. Despite the insane hair, the tattoos that dotted his body here and there, and the intimidating green eyes that were as sharp as broken glass, Axel was...a sweetheart. A goofball. An endearing, funny guy.

It was too soon for the whole love thing. Roxas knew that.

But maaaaan...did he _like_ this guy.

That being said, this was the first time he'd ever been inside Axel's house before. He knew it was kind of weird. He literally lived next door; so why had he never come by, even briefly, even for a quick drink or cuddle or something? Roxas knew he was being a baby, but...he was a little overwhelmed. His boyfriend was _right there_, not even twenty feet away, separated from him only by the walls of his house, a patch of lawn, then the walls of Axel's house. It filled him with a bizarre mixture of enthusiasm and queasiness.

On one hand, Axel could be there immediately whenever he wanted to see him. No quick drive across town, no long-distance, just there within a minute, maybe even seconds. That was exciting. At the same time, Roxas harbored this worry that he would start abusing that and annoy Axel-he didn't want to be clingy. It hadn't even been three months yet, after all. No need to crowd the guy, no matter how much he liked him. They did see each other once a week, and they texted nearly constantly. So Roxas wasn't too pressed about going over for the first time.

Another reason he'd never admit to was that he feared the unknown territory of Axel's home would lead to...things. And Roxas knew very little about _things_ beyond kissing and handjobs. He really hadn't had much luck in the romance department in high school, and his few experiences weren't exactly charged with passion. They were a bit sweaty and awkward, all "Does this feel right?" and "Sorry!" and avoiding eye contact the next day.

He and Axel hadn't done _too_ much-they'd kissed, of course, ever since their third date-but things had yet to go much further. Not that Roxas was impatient. Well...not that he was extremely impatient. Roxas had to admit to himself that the little tastes of Axel he managed to get left him wanting more every single time. That may have been part of the reason why he was sitting in Axel's living room right now, only sort-of paying attention to the episode of _Doctor Who_ that was playing on an ancient television.

He had to admit, Axel's house wasn't what he had first expected, much like Axel himself. It was surprisingly...cozy. There was one long, puffy couch spread along the back wall of the living room, the kind that swallows you when you sit on it. The coffee table was scuffed but brightly polished, covered with messily scribbled strategies that Axel wrote out while he was playing a video game he couldn't quite get the hang of. One for Portal made him smile: "_GLadoS is such a bitch! Sacrifice Companion Cube to hit her repeatedly in the stupid robotic face?_" Little did he know.

Framed pictures were tacked haphazardly to the walls, pictures of Axel with people who looked like him, or people that he looked like. A younger girl with a huge cheesy grin was found in them often-Roxas supposed that was the little sister Axel sometimes fondly mentioned. The crack underneath the front door was blocked by a long, stuffed snake to keep out the rapidly chilling autumn air, and Niffler's cage was far back in the corner. Roxas felt as if he could get used to this place...well, as long as the rat quit staring at him.

"You gentlemen getting along out here?" came Axel's wandering voice. Standing in the doorway of the kitchen, he ran his gaze theatrically from his boyfriend to the cage and back. "Swimmingly," Roxas answered. "Your rodent has been plotting my calculated, slowly torturous death, and the Doctor just threw his beans." A grin cracked along Axel's face, lifting up the corner of one flour-smeared cheek. "Could be worse." Axel put his arm around Roxas's shoulders, giving him a squeeze as he plopped down beside him on the butt-hungry sofa. "I'm almost done in there. Then we can enjoy the fruits of my labor and a night all to ourselves, kay?"

Axel's eyes flitted up to Roxas, looking him first in one eye, then the other. It was a strange habit, Roxas thought. Was he expecting to find something different in one eye or something? Still, at this point it was more charming to him than strange. He was rather fond of this freak. "Sounds perfect." Roxas offered a smile. "But-" Axel sighed- "Laboring over cookies is awfully hard, and I'm really tired. I think I need an incentive to go back in there and keep baking." Roxas knew what this line was the moment he heard it: an invitation. A tease. Axel had scooted closer, his breath giving a tiny skip in rhythm.

"Really?" Roxas let his voice sink into a purr, breaking the distance between them on the couch. Axel shifted eagerly. "Oh, yeah. I'm exhausted. Maybe if you were to kiss me, I'd feel better…?" Axel let his voice trail off, his tone unconvincingly innocent. He almost wanted to laugh at how utterly _un-smooth_ this was of Axel. With looks like his, one almost expected a fine-tuned pickup line or a very suggestive, trailing glance.

Instead this dork sat on the edge of the couch in a ruffled apron that his little sister had supposedly bought him a few Christmases ago, his expression hopeful and more than a little eager. He was so dumb. Roxas adored him for it.

There was only one question: would Roxas play along, or play dumb?

He decided he couldn't deny such a longing face. Sure, Axel hadn't labored over much of anything-mix some flour and sugar together, roll it into balls, stick it in the oven-it wasn't a five course meal. Still, Axel had obviously tidied up for him. He was undeniably thrilled to have him visiting, and had even pushed Niffler's cage a little to the side to make Roxas less uncomfortable. He was pretty awesome in general. Axel deserved to be made out with, Roxas concluded.

This conclusion, of course, had nothing to do with the fact that Roxas could feel himself stiffening through his jeans at the mere thought of tangling up with Axel, completely alone, oh no. No more quiet, sneaky kissing in movie theaters, or hoping to fall unnoticed in the corner of a fast-food place far after midnight. This shit would be the real deal.

Roxas's pulse began to shudder like an anemic kid after a skipped breakfast. Bracing his nerves, he grinned up at Axel and slowly clambered onto the taller man's lap. Axel gave a small, shaky sigh through his nose, biting the corner of one lip and looking up at Roxas almost pleadingly. "Okay," Roxas replied simply, unable to recapture the air of playfulness that had been between them earlier.

Shifting forward a little, Roxas could suddenly feel, with astonishing certainty, that Axel was just as hard as he was. His dick squished against Axel's, feeling simply _amazing_. Roxas couldn't help but let a small squeak of surprised pleasure past his lips. Now nearly chest-to-chest with Axel, Roxas heard his boyfriend's breathing stutter and start erratically.

Feeling shy, Roxas couldn't meet Axel's eyes. Instead, he wrapped his legs a little tighter around Axel's trim waist, moving paper-dry lips to the skin of his neck. Licking them once and hoping he wouldn't be depositing too much spit on the lovely neck he was about to kiss, Roxas bent his head, bringing his mouth to the trembling flesh where Axel's pulse bounced.

The pressure started light, almost too light to feel save for a rush of breath on the sensitive area where Axel's neck and shoulder connected. Roxas felt Axel's bulge give the slightest twitch against his own. "Y'like that?" He murmured tentatively. "_Mmmyeah_," Axel's response came in a rushed half-sigh.

Smiling a little, Roxas brought his lips down again, more forcefully this time. The little whimper that he could feel growling in Axel's throat sent a shiver through Roxas. He'd heard Axel make that same soft sound when they'd kissed before, a needy little thing that wound around his ears and kept him up at night going crazy with longing.

Why the _hell _had he waited so long to come over here?

Shifting slowly, ever so slowly so that his dick pressed long and hard into Axel's, Roxas let his tongue slip out to trace down Axel's neck and to his collarbone. He couldn't believe how bold he was being right now. But the little groans from his gorgeous redhead, gradually getting longer and louder, egged him on.

Roxas's heartbeat was going nuts, and every time he lifted his hips a little, he could feel the stickiness that had started to spread in his boxer briefs. Axel was under him, neck arched beautifully, breathing heavily and moaning and looking so _fucking sexy_ and _damn it_ Roxas wanted him naked and he wanted it right now.

Moving his fingers clumsily to behind Axel's head, Roxas tried to get Axel out of the damned frilly apron. It was the tricky kind that tied both around the neck and around the waist, and his fingers felt more like paws as he tried to get past The Hair. It was hard enough trying to kiss around the massive mane, and finding the knot for the apron tie felt especially daunting to someone as utterly horny as Roxas was right now.

"Here-lift up a little-" Roxas instructed, hoping his face hadn't reddened at all in his struggle. Axel, practically purring and utterly compliant in his kiss-drunkened state, obeyed wordlessly. Finally he found the knot, but try as he might, couldn't loosen it. Letting out a frustrated growl, he butted his head against Axel's shoulder. "Won't come off." he was exceedingly grumpy about it.

Axel chuckled, reaching up to tousle Roxas's already highly disobedient hair with both hands. They stayed very still like that for a while, Axel's whole face beaming hazily up at his little blonde attacker. "You're friggin cute up there," he commented softly.

Roxas was about to reply when a high, grating beep sounded from the kitchen, making him freeze in temporary panic. "Cookies are done," Axel said unnecessarily, gently moving Roxas off his lap and getting to his feet. "Bet they're gonna taste awesome." Roxas said in a forcefully cheery tone, bitterly thinking _I just got cockblocked by a girly apron and an oven timer._ Bah.

Axel drifted back to the kitchen, holding onto Roxas's hand and pulling him along like a confused buoy. Deftly pulling the baking sheet out of the oven and setting it on the counter, Axel fixed him with a wicked smirk. "I cannot _be-lieve_ you dry-humped me while I was wearing this ridiculous apron." This time, Roxas _felt_ his blush travel all the way down to his legs.

Sputtering, Roxas floundered around for a decent comeback and came up with only air. "I can't believe you wear that apron, you...gayball." Axel immediately burst into a fit of disbelieving laughter. "'_Gayball_'?" He choked out. Too embarrassed to look him in the eye, Roxas concentrated on the cookies instead. (No wonder Axel had been in here for ages; each one was about the size of his face.)

"What does that make you, my filthy little lover?" Axel countered, eyes still gleaming with mischief. "You were the one who initiated the very gay act of forcefully tonguing my neck." Roxas was pretty sure his flesh was hotter than the sun right now. " W-well-you're the one who was putting the weirdo moves on me!" Roxas grumbled. "That neck was begging for it; as were other parts of you, if I may be so bold."

Axel looked incredibly amused by all this. "Aw, shut up and eat your cookies." He picked one up off the baking sheet, blowing on it a little to decrease the temperature (Roxas tried hard not to think about the shape of Axel's lips as he did this) and handed it to the little blond. Grasping the giant dessert in both of his hands, Roxas took a tentative bite. He also saw the gates of heaven before him; it was _good_. "What did you _put_ in here, every candy known to man?" Roxas cried happily, his teeth crunching over Oreos and M&M's and other things he didn't pause to savor as he wolfed his prize down.

"Maybe." Axel smiled, taking obvious delight in Roxas's reaction. "You like it?" "It's _sooo_ good," Roxas sang.

"Mind if I have another?"

"Go at 'em, man."

And so Roxas and Axel perched themselves on the kitchen counter, never even making it to the living room for a movie marathon. The milk jug was passed between them as the cookies slowly deteriorated into a mess of crumbs, and they stayed up talking late into the night.

And perhaps, at some point after that, Axel's apron dropped around his legs, along with a few other important pieces of clothing. They might've made love in the kitchen, laughing and teasing like lifelong lovers. Roxas could have discovered tattoos on his boyfriend's body that normally remained hidden. Maybe, in the years afterward, Roxas would pass the apron hanging on its rung by the stove and smile, thinking of the first night he'd spent here. It was something that the two of them had never shared with their friends, but a whispered mention of "apron problems" would always cause Roxas to elbow Axel in the stomach, no matter where they were.

He still loved that freak, though. And he even learned to love the rat.


End file.
